An ambitious project

'The first draft is just you telling the story'- Terry Pratchett

When you have spent a large portion of your life reading, writing and researching, one might term you to be some sort of 'academic'. This humble blogger does have an extensive collection of books and can easily find access to a pipe or smoking jacket, but would certainly not class himself amongst these titans of literature. Yet the pull of being accepted into this cult (surely there are rituals and secret handshakes being conducted in their secret meeting places?) is a strong one. The thought of diverting time and effort into creating a piece of work that someone might actually find useful as either a scholarly work or handy doorstop is intriguing. Writing a dissertation was difficult enough, especially when translating German and Russian documents, but it was good conditioning if you wanted to pursue even higher levels of education. Besides, history is awesome, so it was all totally worth it.

This is my personal library, obviously

'OK Ben, enough of this bollocks. Why on earth are you going on about books and academic cults?' Well, impatient user of the Internet, let's do a bit of clarification. Having done this blog for nearly 2 years now (we've come a long way), the 'Absolute Shambles' outlet of intellectual excellence has kept the passionate fires of writing burning brightly. This isn't a 'successful' blog, which is obvious since you readers aren't bombarded with adverts or see this blogger appear all over the Internet due to being an influential online personality. Regardless, getting to ramble on about things that 'matter', such as all that political shenanigans surrounding Brexit and Donald Trump, or even why memes will one day be classed as integral primary sources, is fantastic. To hear people comment on what they enjoyed about the various writings not only inflates the ego, but also gives clear evidence that something must be going right. It's all very humbling.

#blessed

'Right, that's all well and good, but you still haven't actually explained what the hell you're nattering on about!' Bloody hell Internet user, there's no need to sound so aggressive; we are getting there. Essentially, writing is wonderful and this guy wants to do more. So *insert drum roll here* the time has come to begin working on a project. Call it a potential consequence of turning 24, which may have shattered all remaining notions of sanity, but it's actually a thought that's being swimming around for a while now. Dear ol' Papa, who was actually the one who pushed towards the creation of a blog in the first place, actually suggested one idea that seemed absolutely spiffing. It would combine humour and history (name a more iconic duo) that while wouldn't be deemed to be scholarly excellence, it would still be a history book. Soon, the likes of Antony Beevor, Dan Snow and all the greats of historical literature will be begging for an audience with the hot new prodigy.

'History's Hottest Talent'

So, what's the plan then? Time for some backstory, so grab a beverage and get comfy for story time. When working away at this lovely little business park in Surrey, there are times when you need a little bit of relief. Before your mind is dragged towards dirty thoughts of what might be classed as relief, this word is being used in the sense that there needs to be a little bit of hilarity in the workplace. In case you've mapped out all napping spots already, there needs to be a new way to keep yourself occupied at work. In the case of this Operations Graduate/ Head of Internal Research (it's a self-proclaimed title), every week brings with it a new 'quote' on a certain historical event that week. As we all know, there is always something to celebrate in the world of history, so what better way to make use of the whiteboard then write a historically accurate quote relating to an event in history. Accuracy, unfortunately, may have been lost over the years, so the figures involved might have said it. Trust me, there's a History degree owned by Benjamin Goscomb at home, so there can be no doubts on accuracy.

Spent three years practicing the mortar board catch- pulled it off

Writing these 'quotes' does actually take some effort, as one needs to find events that have a specific date based on authentic historical sources, rather than Scott from Bradford thinking that the Battle of Hastings happened last Tuesday. Ancient history tends to throw up the biggest challenge since sources become damaged over the years, or are just glorified accounts of some of the 'great' figures of history written to either impress the subject of their text or just to make a good story. Thankfully, historians can more or less agree upon a certain date and avoid unnecessary confrontation, as nobody wants blood on their tweed jackets. With an event and date in mind, an integral figure needs to be selected that uttered these immortal words when in the midst of this turning point in human history. It's wise to choose someone that is actually famous, since nobody wants to know about some obscure character that just happened to be in the vicinity. Although, 'history from below' does tend to be pretty interesting- thanks Lucien Febvre.

Dapper chap

With the historical stars aligning, then comes the hardest part of the whole process- creating a 'funny' quote. Humour should never be forced since you will look like you're trying too hard and everyone will mock you for your desire to be likeable and fit in with the cool kids. These quotes need to appeal to anyone who gazes towards the whiteboard, although it's not a disaster if nobody makes any comment on the quote. Essentially, it's a creative outlet that allows this armchair historian to stretch both his historical and comedic muscles. Having started doing this titbit towards the end of October, there have been plenty of things to quote. Below are a few favourites:

• 'Lovely day to have the roof down'- John F. Kennedy, Dallas, 22 November 1963 (the day he was assassinated)
• 'I'm only doing this to create an idiom'- Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon, 10 January 49 BCE
• 'If we charge people for the book, are we betraying our morals?'- Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish 'The Communist Manifesto', 21 February 1848

Hopefully this small selection gives you a taste of what shall be produced from the ambitious project currently under construction. Who knew that working for a computer software scaleup (a company one level above a startup) could bring about such hilarity? You should see the memes.

Fun times at digi.me

Alas, here comes the 'bad news'. With workloads piling up and this new adventure on the horizon, not to mention undertaking a vast walk for the good of mental health, sacrifices have to be made. Unfortunately, 'Absolute Shambles' will have to be the one to suffer. This creative outlet has served its purpose well as it has been a way to inform everyone of any important events, especially ones about fateful accusations. To natter on about politics, the environment and whatever else has been classed as moderately interesting is a breath of fresh air amongst the drain of employment and other basic necessities to survive as an adult. All good things must come to an end. Also, did you really expect this blog to go on forever? Unless you are reliant on this content, then you need to get out more. There's a big ol' world out there demanding the love and attention of all who dwell upon it. 

I thoroughly recommend Sarajevo

Believe it or not, this is the 91st post to have been drafted, so it actually seems pretty apt for the announcement of this potentially futile literary expedition to kick off  'The Final Countdown'. As the fanfare from Europe's hit song dies down and we all regain some sort of decency, the 100th post will be the very last and end the era of 'Absolute Shambles'. It's something being done with a heavy heart, especially after having such wonderful feedback from all sorts of people (apparently, this blog has reached Norway! Mr. Worldwide!). Friends, family and casual acquaintances have all given their own thoughts on Premier league predictions or whether Star Wars: The Last Jedi was a monstrosity or thing of beauty. Again, it's all very humbling and gives clarification that whatever bollocks is transcribed is somewhat appealing to some people. Either these posts are good or people are just being nice and trying not to cause any offence. Both are fine, to be honest.

Cheers Jeff

Let us all wait with belated breath to what sort of shenanigans the world coughs up for this humble blogger to make light of. We can always rely on Trump or Brexit to entertain us all, and there are plenty of social issues to ponder over; the tragic events in New Zealand and the Netherlands last week, for example, once again gives further evidence to stricter gun controls. Away from politics, the sporting world is a constant source of material, especially with the Premier League title race hotting up, which should distract us all from all that fan trouble over the last few weeks. More 'casual' posts can also be created, as it was a joy to imagine what would be done with a whopping Euromillions jackpot. We can't forget about TV and all those other glorious sources of relaxation, even though the horrible case of completing a video game and filling the subsequent void is a high level risk. Wow, 'Absolute Shambles' certainly has been busy!

The working male in his natural habitat

So, the end is nigh, but there is no need to be upset (insert elaborate meme here). This project, if actually completed, will give you all a dose of Ben to bring a ray of joy into your lives, although this book will likely be classed under the category of toilet books (the ones you get a male relative if unsure of what to get them for Christmas) that you find in the humour section of Waterstones. Hey, if it generates a small amount of profit then that is certainly nothing to scoff at. It will be difficult to see through this mammoth task that could finally break the fragile state of mind of this soon-to-be former blogger (tears are already forming), but it's worth a go! Besides, if nobody wants to publish it, there is plenty of 'humorous' things that can be unleashed at random moments in time. Be warned; an extremely accurate and totally believable historical quote could be fired at you in the blink of an eye.

Just a friendly warning

Ben G 😁 xo