If I won the lottery...

'Here's something to think about: how come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?- Jay Leno

The human race sure do love to gamble. Plucky punters hoping a football accumulator will come through, lovestruck teens asking their crush out on a date, ambitious generals planning to invade Russia in the winter; gambling is essentially a major part of our lives. It's highly addictive, no doubt about, as people love the thrill of the risks and the potentially huge rewards that gambling can bring. Our minds drift off with thoughts of what we would do with all that cash now weighing down our bank accounts, imaging new glamorous lifestyles among the rich and famous. Some made their millions through clever investments and ingenious inventions- this guy is more likely to get rich by guessing that Plymouth Argyle, Aldershot Town and other teams would win a football match.

Might need a bigger piggy bank

In the Business Operations department, there is an aura of excitement whenever there is a rollover in the Euromillions. Balmy totals that breach the £150 million mark turns the employees of this integral arm of the company into hysterical and unproductive dreamers over this unbelievably large sum of money. Questions fly around of what the jackpot would be spent, not to mention how one would go about announcing this brilliant piece of new to friends, family and co-workers. There have been some hilarious answers, such as arriving for work on Monday morning in a helicopter or phoning in from a  tropical location to politely ask for timesheets. Then there are the more 'scary' uses for the winnings, which usually involve destroying a nation- it's usually France. That's one way to sever UK ties with Europe once Brexit gets going.

Sacrifices must be made

For this humble blogger, one does enjoy putting on a few bets here and there, including a 5p bet on an accumulator that could bring in a swish £250,000 (never got close, probably never will). Gambling is a high risk, low return thing to do, especially when a big win just encourages you to put more money into betting accounts. This isn't a post about the dangers of gambling since one doesn't want to be preachy, but just remember the risks and 'when the fun stops, stop'. Nope, we are going to go over what Benjamin Goscomb would do if the stars and numbers align to bring about a Euromillions jackpot win. This is all very ambitious and highly unlikely (the biggest win so far has been £5.40) but we have all wondered of what to do with all that money. So, what would Ben do?

Deep in thought on lottery winnings or nervous about being on the Latin Bridge?

'ANNOUNCING' THE BIG WIN

So, how would you announce winning a £154 million jackpot? Would you take to social media to brag of how you are now significantly richer than everyone else now? With winnings like that, it should be subtle as you don't want to be bombarded with pleas for money as they once lent you a pen in Geography so you owe them. For this guy, there would be no hint to anyone whatsoever of such a mahoosive win until there is proper confirmation, as you don't want to count your chickens before they hatch. Seeing co-workers after the draw would be interesting, especially as they are as crazy about the lottery as you (not in an addictive sort of way, of course). This humble, mega-rich blogger would have to sit in silence over how they wish they could track down whoever won and berate them for their luck. Yep, best to keep your head down. Eventually, once the bank account is weighed down by all that Euromillions money, only the closest of confidants shall be informed. This is a big secret, after all.

Listen to Gandalf

MONEY IN THE BANK- TIME TO PUT THE PLAN INTO ACTION

It has now been three months since that memorable win, and for the last time the laptop is closed down as the notice period has come to an end. They have flown by as the excitement of putting the great plan into action has kept one motivated. Away from prying eyes, extensive research has taken place in order to pull off such a daring but potentially profitable scheme. Thankfully, a degree in History (which has finally come in handy- it's a vital subject!) has granted one decent enough skills to finally whittle down on where this operation shall take place. The next day, the unemployed yet well-off Benjamin Goscomb heads to Gatwick Airport to take his private jet to the Bahamas. Having landed, the top officials of the nation are on hand to greet the young entrepreneur after months of in-depth negotiations. Hubert Minnis, Prime Minister of the Bahamas, shakes Ben's hand with great enthusiasm. excited to meet the young investor. In front of the media, a contract is officially signed to begin close work between Ben and government, who both announce to all the world of the big plans for the nation. For some, it was a move by some spoilt brat who had no idea how to spend his money. Others see it as a great idea to help build a nation's infrastructure and bring prosperity to all who reside there. To those in the know, this was the dawn of a modern day pirate republic.

Avast!

NASSAU SHALL RISE AGAIN

For all those unfamiliar with pirate history, Nassau was once a haven of villainous pirates at the start of the 18th century. It was a place for the scourge of mankind to collude and plot their next big score in order to stick it to the imperial powers that threatened their freedom. Now, under this pirate enthusiast, Nassau shall once more be the home for such activity! Those three months meant there was plenty of time to find the right people to help build such an ambitious project; from expert contractors to experienced navigators, these new allies flock to the Bahamas to begin work. It's a very secretive operation, as piracy is illegal due to all the stealing, killing and other misdemeanours that give pirates a bad name. They can't all be lovable alcoholics like Jack Sparrow or bumbling buffoons like Captain Pugwash. The spirits of Edward 'Blackbead' Teach, Bartholomew Roberts and Henry Avery watch on with delight at how their memory has been carried forward to this burgeoning sanctuary for the wantaway members of society.

Anyone else 'fancy' Mr Avery? Get it? His ship was called the Fancy...

COME, LOST SOULS, TO THIS NEW PIRATE REPUBLIC

Piracy is a career choice that appeals to plenty of people. The idea of sailing the oceans in search of plunder and riches in tropical locations certainly sounds wonderful, especially as a life of piracy brings with it adventure and great excitement. Being a pirate creates that mystique of danger, as their life is full of close encounters with naval patrols looking to destroy any vessel that 'raises the black'. When you define yourself as a 'pirate', you're automatically assumed to be far more interesting, much like wearing glasses makes you smart and hot. Here in this blossoming pirate republic, the cry goes out to all those seeking their fortune, tired of taking orders from those that don't deserve power. Extensive advertising campaigns are launched thanks to the jackpot winnings, with the best PR firms stoking up interest in the new pirate republic. The lure of violence will be appealing for some (every crew needs some muscle), with new adventures and the idea of becoming a legend of the Seven Seas sounding like a fantastic prospect. Thus begins a tough interview process that includes categories such as 'Pirate History Knowledge', 'Do You Like Water?', and the toughest one of all... 'Willingness To Break Into Song'. That will separate the men from the boys.

Yar har fiddle dee, being a pirate is alright with me!

NOTHING TO SEE HEAR UNITED NATIONS, CARRY ON WITH YOUR BUSINESS

When some rich guy starts construction on what appears to be a pirate cove and heralds in mass immigration, any respective country would think something was amiss. While not in total control of the Bahamas, that young investor walks around with a certain demeanour, especially as he is dressed in exquisite garments that draw comparisons to Captain Henry Morgan's portrayal on the rum of the same name. The Bahamas' ambassador to the United Nations states how there is nothing to be worried about, presenting how the influx of new citizens show how this Caribbean nation is beginning a process of economic expansion. They bring with them new skills, such as accountancy and construction, which are vital to competing with the bigger global economies. It's an elaborate ruse, as the powers of the Bahamas laugh raucously on being able to dupe the United Nations. Any potential killjoys are dealt with through threats, bribes and even an 'accident' here or there (goodness, piracy sure is a rough business). Pirate King Ben raises a glass to his partners on pulling off such a scheme, with everything coming into place slowly but surely. It's only a matter of time before these wretched souls take to the sea.

To sea!

   ESTABLISHING CLEAR GOALS IN THIS POTENTIALLY PROFITABLE OPERATION

   

Much like with any business, having a clear strategy for success is instrumental in ensuring that the money fills the pockets of all who are invested. These pirates have abandoned their old lives to come to this den of thieves, and want to know that things will turn out fine. The Prime Minister and his government have a stake in this republic, and want to see their country profit from such a gamble. It's all well and good building all of the facilities to conduct such nefarious activities, but how can they be utilised efficiently? The Pirate King stands up to deliver an inspirational PowerPoint presentation, and has even put on a tie over his poet shirt (you know what that is! It's the blouse with the frills on the front and cuffs). Before the assembled congregation, an in-depth programme to successfully build a pirate republic blows them away. All those Euromillions winnings are being piled into vigorous training, defensive measurements and attire that would make all law-abiding citizens jealous. Profits from prizes would be pumped back into the system, with the Pirate King and the government taking a share for themselves. This is what convinced them in the first place, and the presentation has now dismissed any feelings of doubt.

The basic gist of the presentation

THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE TO THE SEAS!

The ships have been built and fitted, navigation charts are laid out and the crews have endured training on the level of that scene from Mulan when they sing 'I'll Make A Man Out Of You'. After a rousing speech from their self-appointed but much loved monarch, the time had come to plunder unsuspecting ships. Operations start out small, with catamarans and wayward sea kayakers being targeted before moving on to small cruise ships and trading vessels carrying luxury goods like sugar and rum (yep, that's still exported from the Caribbean). As crew numbers swell and the fleet grows, the attention of the age-old pirate adversary, the Royal Navy, sends out a squadron to quell the growing menace. Yet they are defeated by superior tactics and the severe budget cuts following Brexit, meaning that Britain's naval arm now consists of a few jet skis and a galley from the Hellenistic-era. This victory inspires even more to join the ranks of the damned, with the piratical enterprise extending further afield to bodies of water such as the Pacific Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea and Lake Geneva. Nowhere is safe from these felons with violent tendencies and good intentions. Ben Goscomb, having done the lucky dip on the Euromillions rollover, is now the 21st century equivalent to the pirate legends of old.

Edward Kenway is one of those legends, obviously

Suddenly, reality sets back in. This daydreamer finds himself back at his desk, the Excel spreadsheet that should be full of email addresses and company details completely empty. He sighs, trudges upstairs to fill up his mug with some much needed coffee and dwells on what transpired in his head. The logistics were extremely fuzzy, such as managing to convince the government of the Bahamas to allow Nassau to resurrect its piratical past or how Brexit has now destroyed Britain's naval capabilities. Yet it was delightful to ponder on how such a large amount of money would be spent, although more realistic purchases would be made. A house, a box at Emirates Stadium and even a habitat for an ocelot would be high on the agenda, as well as making sure that all those close to this humble blogger's heart are taken care of. After all the shit that went down, this guy deserves to be pampered. 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

The ridiculous jackpot that is heralded in by a Euromillions rollover makes us all dream of what sort of lavish life we would lead if our numbers were drawn. What was described here is certainly far-fetched for a variety of reasons that we shouldn't dwell on, mainly because one doesn't want their feelings to be hurt. A love for pirates is worth a future blog post in itself, and you all can't deny how cool it would be to sail around and rob people while saying 'avast' and waving your sword around (no sexual connotations here, thank you). Of course, the lottery is a game of chance, as is an accumulator or any other sort of bet, and we should all remember how dangerous a gambling addiction can be. We may harbour dreams of establishing a pirate republic, but it's not worth it if you spend all your earnings on lottery tickets. Then again, if you win, who the hell cares?

The very embodiment of capitalist greed

Ben G 😁 xo