Oh, hi Brexit... you're still here...

'Brexit means Brexit'- Theresa May, 11 July 2016

Rejoice, one and all! 29 March has passed and the UK has left the European Union. Britain has secured independence from the vicious tyrants that sit in their ivory tower in Brussels, who now weep at our departure. Theresa May is greeted with thunderous applause at having seen Brexit through to completion, with talks of being awarded a Damehood for her services to the country. All who doubted her now beg for forgiveness, with Chairman Jeremy Corbyn banging his head against the table after seeing his dreams of becoming Prime Minister dashed in an instant. The country has come together in unity as all look to the bright future of the United Kingdom, now free of the grip of Europe.

Sweet delicious freedom

Aaannnndddd back to reality. Britain is still in the European Union, unable to agree upon a deal that should have seen the nation leave the EU and begin a new life. May, having survived numerous challenges to her leadership, will step down as PM once Brexit has been delivered, which could happen between now and the end of time. The House of Commons is more divided than ever over what sort of deal the UK should put in place, with no party or MP any closer to uniting the elected officials of Parliament over a clear Brexit deal. Corbyn, once the 'darling' of the British public, is now seen as a fool for having no clear position on how the Labour Party can solve this pickle. Now, Parliament looks forward to another round of voting on a deal, after the government's deal was defeated for the third time on 29 March.

Three. Bloody. Times.

Get it together Parliament

All the way back in 2016, the prospect of forging a new glorious future away from the European Union has turned into a nightmare that the country cannot escape from. Much like with sleep paralysis, the UK can feel a heavy weight upon its chest, yet cannot wake up as it tries to catch its breath. On 27 March, all 8 potential Brexit deals were rejected by MPs as nobody could agree upon whether to negotiate a 'permanent and comprehensive UK-wide customs union with the EU' or hold a confirmatory public vote on any deal that Parliament agrees upon. It is, to use the term appropriately, an absolute shambles (roll credits). Now, on 1 April, amidst comments from Tory chief whip Julian Smith (he's the bloke who tells his party peers how to vote) that the government should have accepted the 'inevitability' of having a closer relationship with the EU after the 2017 election, it's second time lucky on voting for alternative Brexit options. Oh boy, what fun awaits us all at 20:00?

Glad to see that some people find this all very funny (BBC News)

To put it simply, it's all a bit shit. With 8 deals on the table, nobody can decide what path the country should take. At more distressing moments in the nation's history, such as during the Second World War, Parliament were united by one simple goal; survival. The tides of fascism were crashing against the coast, and MPs put their trust in Winston Churchill to weather the storm and guarantee that Britain shall live to see another day. Once more, unity is what the House of Commons needs, yet everyone is too concerned about their own well-being to realise what their pride is doing to their non- MP compatriots. Indeed, a clear lack of sense from those that we entrusted to see a graceful split from Europe has damaged the nation's reputation, making us a laughing stock. We were already mocked for our love of tea and adorable accents, but now we are chastised as a country who changes its mind more often than a football fan picking their fantasy team 1 hour before the 3 o'clock kickoffs. Seriously, it's a pain in the arse.

Thank God he's in my team (Getty Images)

Morning dawns on 2 April. Parliament has held their vote and the four options have all been rejected. What joy! A customs union with the EU, 'Common Market 2.0', a confirmatory referendum and a Brexit extension (with the added bonus of a vote between no deal or no Article 50) were all seen by MPs as being a bunch of bollocks and now retreat back into their hidey-holes to avoid the criticism and rage of the general public. Apart from the idea of 'parliamentary supremacy', the other three routes were only narrowly defeated, with the voting conducted as follows:

• Motion C (customs union): For 273, Against 276
• Motion D ('Common Market 2.0'): For 261, Against 282
• Motion E (confirmatory referendum): For 280, Against 292
• Motion G (prevent a no deal): For 191, Against 292

It can be inferred from this latest round of voting that the sort of deal that MPs desire is one that maintains a strong relation with the EU, whether through remaining in the European single market or customs union, with the public having a say in the final deal. Seems pretty good, right? Freedom of movement and trading opportunities can be kept, and democracy is allowed to prevail as the general public return to the voting booths. Wow, Brexit isn't as difficult as everyone thought. 

'Just make a deal, Theresa. Some of us have a continent to run'

Speaking of democracy and public opinion, that cheeky idea of holding a second referendum on leaving the EU refuses to go away. On 23 March, it was estimated that one million Brits took to the streets to demand that those polling cards be put back into print and the citizens eligible to vote can have another crack at Brexit. The 'Put It To The People' March follows on from the large rally staged in October, not to mention the 'Revoke Article 50 and remain in the EU' petition that reached over 6 million signatures. The government responded by saying that this wouldn't happen, with the petition debated in Parliament on 1 April since that's what happens when a petition reaches a certain threshold. On 29 March, the day Britain was supposed to leave, the participants of 'March to Leave' finally reached Parliament after starting from Sunderland to protest against the delay in leaving the EU. With thousands gathered to voice their angry voices (Jon Snow, Channel 4 News anchor, had 'never seen so many white people'), the public is still very much divided. Then again, there does seem to be a slight size difference between the two camps.

The people are speaking (Reuters)

Holding another referendum seems lovely, as we always like to get another chance to right some wrongs, but the question arises of whether this is undemocratic. Voting is a pretty large component of democracy, but the public made up their mind in 2016. Going back now would mean that every debate and vote in Parliament has been a waste of time; time which could have been spent working towards other matters such as education or housing. Also, how would you feel if you your ideals (in this case, 'the EU sucks'- well, not in the case of this humble blogger) were cast aside since some kids with a spare hour or two take a day trip to London to walk around chanting while holding imaginative signs? It doesn't seem fair. But voting patterns change, and quite frankly there is a strong case for stopping the whole Brexit process, as it's quite clear that nobody knows what the hell is going on. Nobody can agree upon a deal, rebel MPs are vying for power and one's head is quite sore from having to see Brexit news every day for the last 3 years or so.

Know how you feel, buddy

In the eyes of Europe, it would be a gross understatement to say that Great Britain is a laughing stock. The fact that the EU holds the majority of the cards on a final Brexit deal is both ironic and frustrating. It's ironic as leaving the EU was supposed to give Britain freedom from European legislature, yet the likes of Jean-Claude Juncker (European Commission president) and Donald Tusk (European Council president) still hold a great sway in what path Brexit will take. An extension on Article 50 was granted by Europe to the UK, with 12 April being the new deadline for a definitive deal, and Theresa is now asking for a bit more time. This makes everything that much more frustrating, as it drives home the realisation that Parliament really can't do much. Even when there are options on the table and the will of the people is clear for all to see (customs union, single market, all that jazz), nothing can be agreed upon. One wouldn't be surprised if Angela Merkel bursts through the doors of the House of Commons, tells the assembled politicians that the wad of paper in her strong German hands is 'the best damn deal you're going to get' and leaves in a flash. Now that's how to get things done.

Cheers to that (Spiegel Online)

There have already been cross-party talks, with Tory Dame Caroline Spelman and Labour MP Jack Dromey organising more than 200 MPs to write a letter to the PM to avoid the no-deal Brexit option. This was back in January, and now we have reached a new stage of cross-party lines being crossed. 3 April sees May and Corbyn sit down together to find some common ground over Brexit and get the process of leaving back on track. It's amazing to think that it has taken this long for the two leaders to show a willingness to unite, rather than both twiddling their thumbs and waiting for a deal to fall out of the sky. Let's not celebrate an end to this whole ghastly ordeal just yet, as it's necessary to bring focus to the point that IT TOOK THEM THIS BLOODY LONG TO HAVE A CHAT OVER BREXIT! Corbyn is happy to question her leadership, push for another general election and stir up the ambitious Tories who want a key to 10 Downing Street, but hasn't had the decency to help solve the Brexit crisis. Oh Jeremy... to think that this humble blogger tried to defend you...

You had them in the palm of your hand, Jeremy

Much like in January, this week has certainly been an eventful one for Brexit. As Theresa pens another 'Dear Donald' (no, not to the orange bloke in the White House) to kindly ask for a further delay until 30 June, the clock continues to tick steadily. It's getting rather tense as we are supposed to be out by 12 April and no firm deal is in place, even with all of those juicy offers that were thoughtfully laid out on the table for MPs to dig into. Alas, much like a child faced with a large plate full of vegetables, they threw a tantrum and demanded something sweeter. Everyone has their own agenda, willing to betray and collude in order to seize power in a subtle coup that would put the likes of Frank Underwood to shame. With fears that a second referendum could be seen as a reversal of democracy, even though public opinion now appears to be settling into this frame of mind, nobody can agree on anything. Well, that's not true; we can all agree that we are sick of Brexit.

Stanley knows

Ben G 😁 xo