The First Week of Glasses

'You know, anyone who wears glasses, in one sense or another, is a cyborg'- Evgeny Morozov

When you are prescribed glasses, it can mean a variety of things. In one instance, you could have been handed a raw deal in that your eyes betrayed from a very young age and caused you to bump into so many different things. Peers mocked you with taunts such as 'four eyes' and berate your below average eyesight, with the added danger of your necessary accessory being damaged through youthful hijinks. The fear of breaking a pair of glasses and having to sit through a lecture from your parents about responsibility would only make the whole situation more stressful. So, youth of the world, don't pick on the kid with glasses because they have enough shit to deal with.

I can pull this off, right?

Of course, that awful beast known as 'ageing' is one that stalks us all. Our bodies, once blessed with the ability to do incredible feats such as climb over walls and dance the night away, soon become withered and battered. Eyesight tends to be one sense that begins to suffer as the number of candles on the birthday cake steadily increases. For this humble blogger, his body has already been through enough with multiple sporting injuries (back, knees, shoulder- all buggered) and acts of stupidity (crashed a ride-on mower into a fence once). To then be informed that one eye is significantly stronger than the other, prompting the need for glasses, was another significant reminder that ageing takes no prisoners.

A major owie

So, how did the curator of 'Absolute Shambles' cope with his first week of wearing glasses? Well, wonder no more! This post is all about the thoughts and observations of this novice of a glasses wearer, now able to navigate with ease after having his long-sighted right eye corrected. What kind of crazy misadventures occurred? Was there a horrible mix up in that this blogger thought he was talking to a rather attractive member of the human race, but turned out to be a deceptive shrubbery since he had left his glasses at home? Did rowdy youths corner our favourite Internet personality on their BMX bikes and proceed to stamp on his glasses with their luminous trainers? Sadly, no great drama occurred but it was still an 'eye-opening' experience.

Sorry for the pun

GLASSES ARE WONDERFUL AND LIFE IS NOW SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER

It's a strange feeling to now be part of the glasses-wearing population. Indeed, one always thought that the need for glasses could be avoided until at least the age of 30, yet this was clearly false hope. But staring at a screen all day, as well as having an abrasion in the right eye a few years ago, meant that the eyes have certainly taken a beating. What drives home the realisation that your eyes really were beginning to lose their prowess was how, once putting on a brand spanking new pair of glasses, life is now in HD. Everything seems so clear and shining, which is extremely distracting. It becomes a habit to look at random objects whilst wearing glasses and then removing them to determine how much better your eyesight is with glasses. Essentially, this is witchcraft of the highest order.

Calm down, Severus

Whilst it is unlikely that glasses have now guaranteed an acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it does guarantee an increased level of efficiency. There is no longer a need to squint and readjust to the screen just to make sure you're typing the right thing. Your fingers dance across the keyboard at speeds that would put Usain Bolt to shame. Suddenly, a new world of possibilities open up for brand new ventures in creativity, now that the rate in productivity is at the levels of a factory operating in the middle of the Industrial Revolution. The foreman would rub his hands in a very greedy and capitalist manner as he sees this one particular worker churning out whatever product this factory creates. In the case of this blogger, the boss/ dear ol' Papa sees the young Operations Graduate plough on with the research tasks assigned to him and thinks hard on how to better exploit this. Might seem mean to use 'exploit' here (especially when talking about one's own father), but that's business for you.

Damn capitalists

Increased efficiency is certainly a handy perk to now possess, and glasses actually makes one feel/ look smarter. Not saying that a complete understanding of the theory of relativity has now been achieved, but there does now feel to be an aura of intelligence floating around. To be fair, the bar wasn't very high to begin with (just ask former teachers) so there was always plenty of room for improvement. Nevertheless, the combination of efficiency and this powerful, yet artificial, new feeling of actually looking intelligent makes one feel smarter. Science has backed this up, as you can always rely on scientists to conduct research on any topic out there. In January 2018, Scrivens Opticians and Hearing Care commissioned research to investigate whether people wearing glasses were perceived differently. Turns out they were, with Adrian Ellis (spokesperson for Scrivens) citing media as a driving force behind the 'long-held belief' that glasses make someone look intelligent. Science has done it again!

Yay science!

That intelligent persona created by those glasses also feeds into the idea that you're a beautiful and approachable person. Thanks to those glasses, your face gives off the illusion that you have a well-balanced face that not just a mother would love. Your eyes are magnified and people are drawn to those peepers, immediately commanding to those around you that everyone needs to pay attention to you. People watch on from afar at this stranger who has made his way into the local coffee shop, wondering what mysterious secrets he is hiding. As already mentioned, film and TV has helped to create the idea that people who wear glasses are both smart and unknown. We can all thank Clark Kent and his double life of journalist/ superhero for this trope. There's a reason that dressing as the alter-ego of Superman seemed like a good idea for Halloween a few years ago, and not just because it was easy to create a costume. Preferred being Ronnie Kray though, as part of another voyage of discovery on how fun a sober night out could be.

Foreshadowing 

So now with better efficiency, a heightened sense of intelligence and a look that would make passers-by swoon, one now feels far more confident. This was something that had taken a hit after numerous bumps in the road (one comes to mind immediately), so it was relaxing to feel like the world could throw anything at you with no fateful consequences. On Thursday, external circumstances meant Kianu (the adorable Kia Picanto) was defrosted and put to use on the commute to work, rather than lift sharing with the company's Financial Assistant/ brother. The fruits of nepotism are ripe in this small Surrey business part, but it's who you know rather than what you know, right? Anyway, traversing the roads is never usually a great hassle, but clearer vision and that aura of beauty/ intelligence meant the perils of traffic or animals darting across the road did not befront this humble blogger. Essentially, the spectacles resting on one's nose has granted our young hero the powers of invincibility. Perhaps Clark Kent now spends his day typing away at a desk in the depths of Surrey...

A small light in a bleak DC universe

GLASSES SUCK AND LIFE HAS BECOME EVEN MORE OF A STRUGGLE

In the opening ramble, we talked about how glasses was just another thing for us to break, meaning that our hard earned cash will be used on ensuring we don't bump into anything or walk across the motorway (if that happens, make sure you get your hearing tested as well- a motorway is hard to miss). There is now an added value of caution, which actually could balance out the confidence gained from wearing glasses. If out on the town with friends and they decide it's a great idea to hurdle over hedges like an Olympic athlete, you now fight the childish urge to partake and instead watch on at the fun being had. The likelihood is that your mind is filled with images of Velma from Scooby Doo searching for her glasses on the floor as she flees from the monster that guards the abandoned box factory. Perhaps the fear of being mocked by peers if your glasses were knocked off your face also plays a part, as the ones who really are useless without glasses fall to their knees and cry out 'my glasses!'.

The struggle is real

The warping nature of the media can certainly be called the culprit here, but glasses are not a cheap commodity. In the case of this bespectacled citizen, it cost £175 for an eye test, a new pair of glasses and glare protection. Extortion of the highest degree! Much like a rich girl who grew up in Los Angeles, glasses are high-maintenance and demand all of your time, attention and money. A scratch here and there means a speedy clean is needed, although the hardest of bumps can't be fixed with a piece of fabric. Inevitably, they will drop to the floor and, much like with your phone, there's a horribly tense moment of whether this vital piece of equipment now has more cracks than the Arizona desert. As kids, the bank of Mum and Dad would bail us out and we would be off on our merry way, but now slightly weighed down by a telling off. But now we are adults and that cash set on the side for a new mug (we all have our needs) must now go towards repairing our glasses. Life always finds a way of screwing us over.

Adulting is hard- it should be banned

An office job guarantees a certain number of things, such as extended screen time or wondering where the best place to nap is. What we can all agree on is that caffeine becomes a necessity, whether in the form of instant coffee or the always reliable tea bag. As we fill up our designated office mug with that brew we all need to survive, the worries of broken glasses or missing out on merry bouts of misbehaviour with chums are long gone. We settle down at our desk, stretch a little bit and prepare ourselves for a solid working session. The mug is raised to our lips, but that's when disaster strikes. Contact has been made between beverage and Ben, yet the glasses are now steamed up and vision is temporarily lost. It's certainly an inconvenience when trying to be productive, and the threat of steam stretch beyond a hot drink. Mother has always complained about her glasses fogging up as she drains the water from the vegetables, rendering the matriarch of the Goscomb family to a state of blindness. It is a disturbance that one now fully understands.

How could you betray me like this?

These needy glasses certainly feel like they aren't worth the effort, especially when they begin to create a slight discomfort on top of your ears and cause those weird marks to form on your nose. It takes time to get used to something new, whether it's a piece of clothing or even a change in schedule, but when they're niggling at delicate parts of your face it's hard to ignore. Some may pay sympathy to you due to you now being perceived as a more sophisticated member of society, but once again the pesky media are at hand to create the stigma of 'people who wear glasses are nerds'. Velma once again gets a mention, and you can't forget about Steve Urkel from Family Matters or that misunderstood hero Dwight Schrute from The Office. While some are blown away by your new glasses, others make wisecracks about how much you love Battlestar Galactica or threaten you with 'swirlies'. What utter nonsense...

To be fair, all three sound like a good combination

The biggest downside of now having to wear glasses is that there is further proof that this humble blogger is getting older. Multiple injuries have certainly made it known that the body is not as spry as it once was, but being prescribed glasses shows how time is ticking. Quite a morbid thought, but nobody can deny that we all have an expiry date. While we can contemplate about putting ourselves in a freezer like a loaf of bread to tactically dodge the gaze of the Grim Reaper, it would be best to admit that this is a battle we can't win. This realisation means more thoughts and questions are being created, such as what other functions will be affected by these spectacles. For example, will the active lifestyle this crazy blogger enjoys be curtailed? Vigorous walks shouldn't be a problem, but workouts with jumping and other plyometric exercises may be more difficult. Even leg day could be disturbed as the glasses fall to the floor in the middle of a deadlift. Leg day can't be skipped, so now we have a severe dilemma on our hands. Driving and working with glasses isn't a problem for now, but soon they will be required for more than just these two activities. A crisis is brewing, and contact lenses may not suffice...

Ralph knows

After posting about this exciting life update to Facebook, which included a flattering picture and satirical viewpoints about ageing, a family member commented on how it happens to the best of us. It's a kick in the balls to now have a reminder that you are growing old and will soon be complaining loudly about how things were better back in the day, but that's life. There's no point kidding ourselves that we will all stay young forever, even though having a big bowl of alphabet spaghetti does give a warm sensation of reminiscence. Even then, wearing glasses has apparently made this humble blogger appear far more intelligent and beautiful than before, which was a level already difficult to beat. Yes, these glasses now require love and care, but growing up does mean taking on more responsibility. Wearing glasses, in one's own opinion, is a sign of maturity that shows the world 'look at me! I take good care of these glasses, so now I have a wonderfully symmetrical face'. Indeed, if another incredible bake can be pulled off while wearing glasses, then this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Gorgeous

Ben G 😁 xo