The real questions to ask when starting a new job

'Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life'- Mark Twain

Starting a new job can be daunting, especially if it's your first one in the adult world. Gone are the days of pot washing, serving food and other run-of-the-mill occupations. That lovely wad of cash was enough to buy some cheap lager and knock off cigarettes for the big party on Saturday night, but that list of expenses has expanded. Rent, car insurance, Netflix subscriptions- it all piles up in the end. Time to ditch the all black attire and don the suit and tie, for it is time to enter the workforce. You knew this day would come, so don't act all shocked.

Suited and booted

It's like the first day of school. Everything is new; the people, the environment, the schedule etc. Life has taken a drastic new course and there is no slowing down. There's no getting off now, as the safety bar they have on roller coasters has now clamped shut and the slow ascent has begun. Brace your butt cheeks for brand new beginnings, and don't forget to smile when the camera goes off! But adulting is hard, so pulling off a smile will be one hell of a struggle.

Or scream, whatever works for you 

In the interview process, in which one imagines was utterly terrifying, the key questions are asked. This is the time to show how professional you are, since these guys mean business. They have no time to deal with people who will crumble under the pressure. This is serious stuff; get busy livin' or get busy dyin', as Red said in The Shawshank Redemption. Those questions are usually pretty standard:

• What are the future career prospects for somebody employed in this position?
• Are there any additional skills I can develop before starting?
• What is the proudest achievement of the company to date?

You get the idea. You are showing the ambition to succeed by asking about the future and the desire to work hard through potential skill development outside of the workplace. Indeed, asking about the triumphs of the company allows the manager, or whoever is conducting the interview, to have a little bit of a boast. After all, they want to show the positives of working here. There will always be talk of a 'family environment', 'fantastic opportunities to expand your network of business contacts' and, of course, how the office Christmas party is freakin' mental. 

Michael Scott knows what's up

Once the interview is done and the confirmation letter has been signed and sent back, now comes the big day. That first day of work, the start of a brand new adventure on the open ocean of adulting. Avast! This is all well and good, but those questions asked during the interview were just an elaborate ruse. Now that you have arrived in the workplace, it's now time for the REAL questions to be asked. Soon everyone will know that you are just as incompetent as the next person.

The manager has been fooled into thinking that you are an energetic go-getter, and now you can pick your colleagues' brains and get down to knowing what lies beneath. A quick interview may have given a brief idea about what this place is all about; now it's time to do some sleuthing. So, through vigorous interrogation and private investigating, here are 7 important questions that you really need to be asking when starting a new job.

Now now, don't look so scared 

1. WHAT TIME IS THAT BLESSED PERIOD WE CALL 'LUNCH'?

Lunch is a precious time of the day. Whether it's half an hour or even a whole hour (gasp!), that joyous moment of tucking into your lunch is what drives people forward when grinding out the morning. It gives us all a chance to pop onto Netflix, YouTube or just have a good ol' browse through social media. Hell, there might even be a chance to head down to Costa and grab yourself a well-deserved latte to fully embrace this freedom granted by the powers above. It's important to know when we have permission to crack open our lunchboxes, for living in doubt will just cause confusion.

When asking, phrase it in a way to present yourself not as someone who overly craves food and has an addiction to streaming media. Rather, say something about how scheduling and cutting up your day efficiently leads to increased productivity. Of course, they will see through the bullshit and know that all you really want to clarify is how soon you can bunk off work. They won't hate you for it though; we all need food to survive, and everyone needs some time to binge watch 'Queer Eye'. There's no judgement here, unless you have a very smelly lunch. That's a sure-fire way to become the office pariah.

A delicious, yet strong smelling, tuna sandwich is a step towards that conclusion

2. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? I WILL NEED IT TO HIDE AWAY FROM MY RESPONSIBILITIES

The afternoon drags on after demolishing a chicken sandwich and getting through an episode or two of Bojack Horseman. As you type away on that report, the urge to 'go through the bodily motions' begins to seep in. Yet this place is massive, and every door leads to some bizarre new place. You don't know which one is the supply cupboard or the doorway to Narnia. There will be time to investigate the wonders of the office later, because you need the toilet. Maybe you can hold it? It's only another two hours until it's time to go home. Perhaps this handy water bottle could suffice? Your mind is racing with possibilities, simultaneously cursing yourself for not asking the simple question of where the toilet is.

Don't worry, its common practice in orientations to show new employees the layout of the office. It helps to streamline the whole integration process since there won't be a need to ask later. In addition to being a more suitable place to relieve oneself rather than that plastic bottle on your desk, it also serves as everyone's spot for an extra break. Everyone is guilty of slipping away to waste time on a very slow day of business, and there are some who disappear every hour for 20 minutes at a time. You would be right to be suspicious of your colleague, yet last night's curry made with Chocolate Habanero chillies and a mid-morning coffee may have something to do with it... would be better not to ask.

Gonna be some fire in the booth, if you know what I mean

3. IS THERE A CAFFEINE LIMIT, AND WHAT'S THE OVERALL MUG SITUATION?

Speaking of coffee, caffeine is the lifeblood of the workforce. We all know how wonderful coffee is, and as you grow older you begin to realise why Mum and Dad were so determined to pour themselves a cup or two every morning before the school run. Now part of the hustle and bustle of working life, caffeine will become more than just a nice luxury for a job well done, but rather a necessity to live and function. Our central nervous system needs some incentive to keep on ticking along for us to maintain a decent level of productivity. When somebody is making their way to the kettle and turn around and ask if anyone would like a caffeinated beverage, then it would be wise to take them up on the offer. Don't make yourself sound too desperate, though.

Gradually, you will realise who the big coffee drinkers are and can gauge if there is a limit on how much caffeine you can have in a day. This is no time to get addicted; you've just started a new job and your boss won't be too happy paying for counselling or rehab (caffeine addiction is possible, all joking aside). Besides the threat of addiction, it is worth noting who owns which particular mug. Enemies could easily be made if, when brewing a fresh round for your colleagues, Brenda finds her tea sits in the mug of Victor. She tries to hide her anger and disappointment but deep down you are now dead to her. Don't forget to bring your own mug as well since using one of the shared generic mugs can only lead to contracting diseases. Also, it brings a nice personal touch to the office. Maybe that Game of Thrones mug can strike up some conversation with Brenda on the way to burying the hatchet.

*heart beat intensifies*

4. WHAT ARE THE CLIQUES? IS THERE ANY THREAT OF BEING THROWN INTO A LOCKER?

Bowling for Soup once said that 'High School Never Ends'. The premise of their song was that all those cliques and groups from school never dissolve, as all the 'cool kids' hold on to their belief that they are better than you in every way. It's true, as you will come to quickly realise that the office world is full of posses of similar-minded participants. The higher-ups will obviously have their own clique as they engage in business meetings and talk about the latest financial ventures. Finance, IT, systems- yep, they all stick together. No surprises really due to their close working proximity, but soon you will work out which clique they fall in to and what the mannerisms are for each one.

Each of these tightly knit clans will talk in their own strange language. Those tech types natter on about RAM and data protection services, while the financial buffs lecture one another invoices and VAT. You could nod your head and portray a reasonable understanding of what they're talking about, but in reality the information soars over your head as if it were a plane taking off. There's no reason to avoid them though, as common ground can be struck up quite easily. The world of TV and sport can easily draw people together, and friends can be found in the most unlikely of places. Just be on the lookout for any mandatory dress code on certain days.

'On Wednesdays, we wear pink'

5. WHERE ARE THE TACTICAL NAPPING SPACES?


A crisis is brewing. It appears that watching one too many episodes of The Crown (amazing show, by the way) last night has caused a great amount of fatigue to take over your body. The riveting royal drama has turned against you, and you wish that you weren't so entranced by the performance of Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth II. But that isn't important right now, since there is only one reasonable thing to do- have a nap. With all the strength you can muster, you scan your surroundings and assess where would be the best place to recharge your batteries. The toilet may suffice, but hygiene is a factor here. The meeting room is free, and that sofa has always looked so enticing. Maybe the office supply cupboard can serve as a temporary safe haven. Everyone uses computers nowadays so nobody will come in looking for a pen.

OK, let's be serious. It would be an extremely risky move to take a nap at work, no matter how tired you are or how hilarious it would be. Some sort of professionalism needs to be maintained, but it's always fun to think about where the best places to nap in the office might be. There might come a time when the boss is away and the mood around the workplace is far more relaxed, but even then there is a limit. Everyone might be giddy over the prospect of being free from the glare of the powers that be, yet a nap would be a massive step over the line. It would be better to quietly rate all the potential napping spots and compare them with friends and colleagues. A nice bit of friendly napping competition.

'Phil, you little shit'

6. WI-FI! WHAT'S THE PASSCODE?! 

We are all social beings, especially when it comes to our online presence. There are some out there who have no time to dabble in Facebook and Instagram. They are the strongest amongst us for resisting the temptation to stalk through photos of ex-lovers and post pictures of their food for the world to see. For the rest of us, the urge to check for notifications is all too much at times, especially when the working day is dragging on. A quick check on the work computer is perfectly possible, but what happens if your boss leans in and sees you looking through cat memes? Maybe someone will let it slip by mistake in passing conversation that they saw you scrolling through Reddit. Thankfully, mobile phones exist- well, they are taking control of our lives but they are handy at times.

Problem is, data is expensive. One spontaneous check on Twitter turns into a 30 minute romp and suddenly all that precious data is gone. It's a fate worse than death, but fear not! Wi-Fi makes our lives that much easier, and asking for the password is certainly the first question we ask when entering someone's house. Indeed, an easy email setup means that Wi-Fi can be accessed on trains, in banks and any other place where attention spans need to be maintained if there's a long commute/ waiting time. At work, it's only fair to utilise the precious wireless connectivity, and not just because you can multitask between eating, working and streaming. Adult life is very busy, so multitasking is a necessity.

Now this is how to work on a Saturday afternoon

7. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR EVERYONE TO FIND OUT THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING?

Ah, this day was always going to come. Faced with a task that should be easy for somebody in your position, the fact slowly dawns that you have no idea what you're doing. Help is on hand, obviously, but you're stressing out so much that asking for help appears to be the worst thing you could possibly do. Is it tears or sweat that now fogs your vision? Quick, to the tactical napping spot that will temporarily have to serve as a crying zone! The world is now fully aware of your shortcomings in trying to be a civilised and hard-working member of society. It only took four hours for you to crack. A new personal record. Amazing to think that the previous record of a day in retail could be beaten so easily.

There will come a time when the whole dream of being able to afford basic luxuries like bread and toilet paper is about to come crumbling down due to this one pesky job that you just cannot get your head around. Entering a state of unbridled panic does sound wonderful, but you are surrounded by people who have been in the exact same position as you. Nobody starts out as a professional, unless you're a world-class moron like some people. There is no shame in admitting that you're a little bit stuck and require some assistance. Teamwork is integral in a working environment, and you did say in your interview how much of a team player you are. You don't want to be both incompetent and a liar now, would you?

You and me both, friend 

These questions have all crossed our minds as we begin a new job. There are plenty of other questions that need to be asked and answered over time, but the ones listed above are perhaps some of the more urgent ones. It's important to figure out the day-to-day running of the office, as settling down quickly into the swing of things will make this strange new world slightly less threatening. While your private life moulds around your new working schedule, a new professional one blossoms. At first, fitting in will seem like a challenge on par with climbing Mount Everest, but soon it will become nothing to fear. Go out there and make new friends, learn new skills and above all, earn that desperately needed money for alcohol, comfy clothes and ice cream- just three things necessary to make you forget about work. Luxury.

Good night world, thanks for being difficult and soul destroying 

Ben G 😁 xo