Hands up if you want to be Prime Minister

'You mustn't expect prime ministers to enjoy themselves. If they do, they mustn't show it- the population would be horrified'- Edward Heath (Prime Minister 1970-1974), 1976

Humans are awfully violent creatures. A quick scan through the epic saga that is our species' history reveals how brutal some people can be. Warfare, betrayals, general instances of being a complete bastard; yep, human history has it all! Even though we have become more 'civilised' as we straightened ourselves out, mastered the whole walking on two legs business and constructed society, that predatory instinct has stayed with us to this day. We don't have to hunt for our food thanks to supermarkets, but we keep our targets in our sights. Whenever weakness is detected, out springs that side of humanity that got us through some rocky times with all those dinosaurs and other big beasties stomping about. In this world of smart phones, Fortnite and all that, humans are still very much capable of reverting back to our animalistic beginnings. Politics is the perfect example of all of this.

Prepare for battle (www.parliament.uk)

The Houses of Parliament are the hunting grounds for the elected officials that represent their respective political parties. They are divided into tribes, each with their own symbols, colours and beliefs, all vying to hold the esteemed title of 'Prime Minister'. Yet the tides of change have come in as Theresa May finally announced the date of her departure after 3 turbulent years of Brexit, backbench rebellions and awkward dancing. After taking the reins from David Cameron in the aftermath of the Brexit referendum, the Home Secretary had to keep the nation unified going into an uncertain and potentially scary future, all while trying to defy the patriarchy and their prejudices because Theresa is (believe it or not) a woman! Good heavens, why the hell would anyone want the top job?!

Good luck guys, I'm out

As of 29 May, 11 candidates had declared their interest in becoming the United Kingdom's leader and duke it out to get a chunkier paycheck, more houses in both London and the country (they're Conservative MPs, of course they have more than one dwelling) and a chance to make their mark on history. The last one doesn't really concern these individuals as much unless they get a statue in Parliament Square at the end of their tenure so everyone in the future can see how great they were. Let's not brand every politician as materialistic snakes who don't give a shit about their fellow citizens, as there are a select few trying their upmost best to keep our island nation afloat. If they could please identify themselves then that would be extremely helpful in the long run. In any case, the candidates who are keen to become the next Prime Minister are all starting their campaigns to secure power over the Conservative Party and take their seat as leader of the United Kingdom. Oh boy, this is going to be fun.

Government currently under construction

So, who are these hopeful candidates? Let's take a look:

NOTE: 12TH CANDIDATE ANNOUNCED THEIR INTEREST ONCE THE FINAL PRINT OF THIS ARTICLE HAD BEGUN- DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT MISSING MUCH

• Sajid Javid- Home Secretary
• Michael Gove- Environment Secretary
• Dominic Raab- former Brexit Secretary
• Matt Hancock- Health Secretary
• Jeremy Hunt- Foreign Secretary
• Boris Johnson- former Mayor of London and former Foreign Secretary
• Esther McVey- former Work and Pension Secretary
• Andrea Leadsom- former Leader of the House of Commons
• Rory Stewart- International Development Secretary
• Kit Malthouse- Housing Minister
• James Cleverly- Brexit Secretary

Quite a collection we have here. These are prominent figures in both the Tory party and UK politics in general, but what is striking is the amount of 'former' cabinet members who are ready to face off against one another. Boris has been very critical of Theresa during her time as Prime Minister, resigning in July 2018 as the government began to create a Brexit strategy. Along with Michael, they were leading Brexiteers and have likely enjoyed being as stubborn as possible when Theresa has tried to get things done. It doesn't matter if it's how to gracefully exit the European Union or whether Manchester City deserved to win the Premier League or not, they would firmly disagree with the Prime Minister. Childish, but tactically sound, since this would create a feeling among party members, Parliament and the general public that things aren't getting done. People would cry out for a solution, and Boris has momentum. That driving force was lacking when he became trapped on that zip wire back in 2012, but this battle for Number 10 could be more of a coronation than a contest for Boris Johnson.

A politician that commands respect... (Barcroft Media)

Sky Bet have placed Boris as the clear favourite to be the next leader of the Conservative Party; at 6/4 odds, punters may be weighing up the option of putting a small stake on seeing the floppy haired champion of London cycling take his place as the next Prime Minister. Once upon a time, the prospect of Boris as PM was delightful as it seemed so bizarre to have a man so... well, strange lead the nation. But his true colours have been revealed with the Brexit debacle, as he clearly put himself at odds with the leading Tories to shake up the foundations and create an opportunity to seize power. To be fair, Boris isn't the only one of these ambitious politicians vying for control who have made their grievances known in the case of May's leadership. Esther, Dominic and most recently Andrea all handed in their notices as Theresa kept to her guns over her proposed Brexit strategy. Of course, if you aren't happy in your job then you have every right to resign and move on to pastures new, but when the country is in crisis then there needs to be a united front. All these 'quitters' that want the top job seem to be content in letting others fall for them to climb the ladder of power.

Back to back female Prime Ministers?! Anti-feminists are already screaming (Getty Images)

What about the more loyal members of the government? The fact that they have stayed in the firing line should give them some sort of credibility, especially with Boris now being ordered to appear in court over the whole debacle on how the £350 million sent to the EU every week should fund the NHS instead. The charges of misconduct should allow 'loyal' Tories such as Jeremy, Matt and Sajid to plot on how to take advantage of the latest 'Boris blunder' that may just derail his ambitions for Prime Minister. While Jeremy may fall short due to the numerous fuck ups that occurred during his time as Health Secretary and his ingenious tactic of flip-flopping over Brexit, the overseeing of a damn good Olympics while Culture Secretary may tug at the patriotic heartstrings as citizens reminisce over 'Super Saturday' and the sizeable medal haul. Both Matt and Sajid are firm outsiders, but have advantages in that Sajid has a background that is drastically different from his contemporaries (he is the son of a bus driver, which is far more 'normal' than growing up in the Surrey countryside and being given an Eton scholarship as soon as they exited the womb) and Matt seems relatively normal. Well, normal by MP standards, but better than nothing really.

Ben's local MP, but he's such a prick (EPA)

Of course, 'loyalty' is a term not commonly used within the halls of Parliament. Michael has remained in the Cabinet since the Brexit referendum, yet the former Education Secretary stabbed his Brexit buddy Boris in the back when he undermined his campaign for Tory leadership in 2016. All these high-profile power moves might just lead Tory MPs and members of the party to choose somebody who is more of a novice. Politics can take a drastic turn (just ask Volodymyr Kerensky) and a breath of fresh air may open the door for Rory, James or Kit. While James will enjoy greater attention as Brexit Secretary, the other two mentioned are unknown to most, although Kit had served as deputy Mayor of London under Boris and chaired a compromise over the Northern Irish 'backstop' that has been a key battle point during the Brexit saga. Rory is a newcomer to the Cabinet in his new role as International Development Secretary after a quick reshuffle in the wake of Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson's sacking over apparently leaking information. Also, the guy took a 32-day solo walking trip across Afghanistan in 2002! Now that's ballsy.

He seems... OK (Shutterstock)

Cheering on an underdog is a wonderful British past time, up there with chatting about the weather or casting your mind over the possibilities one could pursue if that lottery jackpot is won. Yet when it comes to selecting a new party leader, especially one that would become Prime Minister, these outsiders haven't got a bloody chance. The need for a strong leader is always a prerequisite if leading a nation, but in the current political climate it is by far a matter of life and death. Just to summarise, the next Prime Minister needs to be someone who can:

• Deliver Brexit, as that is what we voted for initially (another referendum would be lovely, but that would just make the last 3 years a waste of time)
• Maintain order in a party that put in such a poor performance during the European Parliament elections that it made Arsenal's efforts in the Europa League Final look Herculean 
• Keep our diverse country together, especially with Nicola 'Braveheart' Sturgeon calling for Scotland to seize their independence
• Babysit Donald Trump and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid like wage numerous trade wars, pretend like impeachment isn't on the table or incite tension in the Middle East by declaring Jerusalem the capital of Israel

This is quite an unsettling thought (Getty Images)

Former greats of the Conservatives, such as Margaret Thatcher and Winston Churchill, will probably be scanning down the list of candidates and be uttering under their breath on the hopelessness of the whole situation. While their own political careers weren't showered in complete glory, when they needed to get shit done they got it done. Winston didn't sit on his arse and say, 'maybe the Nazis will just go away', he got up on his feet and said, 'bring it, you goose-stepping pricks'. Margaret would not be found worrying about miners strikes; rather, she would roll up her sleeves and start dismantling the picket line herself. When you think about it, do any of the people who want to become the next Prime Minister fill you with confidence? Yes, Boris Johnson is a proven politician, but one can't take him seriously with his outbursts or ridiculous claims like spending a phantom £350 million on the NHS. Jeremy Hunt has held numerous cabinet positions but describing his time as Health Secretary as 'below par' just doesn't cover it. Matt Hancock is certainly an outsider and could be an ideal choice for taking the party in a new direction, but experience needs to be a definite requirement. It is, quite frankly, an absolute shambles. 

Hey, that's the name of the blog!

At least the next Prime Minister won't be too troubled when it comes to the opposition. The latest EU Parliament elections were a disaster for Labour as well, proving that Jeremy Corbyn's own weak position over Brexit finally came back to haunt him. 'Fringe' parties, such as the Liberal Democrats, the Green Party and the Brexit Party all did well at the latest elections since they have a clear stand on Britain's European Union divorce, which is what the people want. The candidates have wised up to the fact that they need to tentatively remove themselves from the fence and find their stance on Brexit. The public just want Brexit to be done so everyone can go back to their daily lives and news companies can take a break from constantly reporting on how absolutely nothing is getting done. What Theresa went through for the past 3 years hammers home the necessity to have a clear strategy drawn up that would somehow please every single person. OK, not everyone will be satisfied with whatever deal (if we can get one) is formulated, but it's better than nothing. Perhaps the next PM should spend that £350 million that is floating about somewhere on a time machine/ dimension-hopping project to warn the past of what happens once Britain voted to leave the European Union. Tony Stark figured it out in a day, so there is hope yet.

He's so cool (Marvel Studios)

To wrap it all up in a neat little bow, the 12 candidates (Mark Harper, a former Immigration Minister who resigned since his cleaner didn't have the right to work in the UK, announced his interest on 31 May) are in for a hell of a fight. Political dramas have given us a rather over-the-top portrayal of the inner dealings of politics, and if House of Cards is anything to go by it's all about outrageous power moves, feigning friendships and monologues. Yet the thought will always linger if any of these people can steady the United Kingdom and get the country back on track. No matter who wins, they will be chastised and mocked for their previous mistakes, with the media leaping on any opportunity to undermine them. Politics is a vicious game that only the best can play; these participants will need to bring their A game. Next month, the BBC will host televised debates and the nation will be able to get a good glimpse at their next leader. Expect vicious grilling from the audience, fake laughter as one candidate makes a statement such as 'I have a proven track record of leadership' and some rather fabulous memes. Good luck everyone- strength and honour.

Maximus for Prime Minister

Ben G 😁 xo