The 'Absolute Shambles' 2018 Awards

'My responsibility is to tell the truth'- Christine Blasey Ford to the Senate Judiciary Committee, 27 September 2018

So here we are. 2018 is about to end, ready to bow out and let 2019 take the spotlight. In true 2018 style, it bends as low as it can go and proceeds to fall flat on its face. As it drags itself up to its feet to regain some composure, it shrugs it off and pretends that nobody saw that. Everyone saw it; it was painfully awkward and nobody wants to make eye contact with the year that is about to be added to the annals of human history. 2019 puts a hand on its compatriots shoulder and quietly tells the parting year to leave now.

Some people have also experienced awkward moments on stage this year

OK, that's quite an unfair way to say goodbye to 2018. It hasn't been a travesty of a year, none of us can deny that. Yes, Brexit has turned the United Kingdom into a laughing stock, Donald Trump is blundering his way through his tenure as President of the United States and the planet's climate is more sporadic than a puberty-ridden teenager. Celebrity deaths continued to drag down everyone's mood and the crushing moment when Croatia beat England in the semi-finals of the World Cup brought everyone back to reality. Man, maybe 2018 really was a disaster of a year...

Put this image on a bank note

That doesn't stop us doing an awards show though! So, welcome one and all to the 'Absolute Shambles' 2018 awards, sponsored by a beverage that is consumed by the general public and contains more sugar than the baking aisle in a Sainsbury's superstore. After the runaway success of the 2018 World Cup awards, another jaunt into the process of praising the accomplishments of people seems like a great idea. Let Sir Elton John play our celebrity host Tom Hanks onto the stage here at Buckingham Palace, to the acclaim of all other special guests. Benedict Cumberbatch leans over to Oprah Winfrey and remarks at how well-dressed Cristiano Ronaldo is tonight. David Attenborough and Michelle Obama are sharing a packet of Doritos, which Ryan Reynolds is determined to get his hands on. These guys are in for one hell of an awards evening!

THE 'MAN, YOU REALLY NEED TO WATCH THIS' AWARD FOR TV SHOW OF THE YEAR

Right, everyone has taken their seats and are ready to observe such a prestigious evening in the event calendar. First, it's time to highlight what made us all so keen to binge through Netflix or even stretch the budget to buy a TV licence. We have to do something since Game of Thrones decided to take an extended break from playing with our emotions. It's been another bumper year of small screen entertainment, as we welcomed back such great titans like The Handmaid's Tale and Westworld. The cringe-inducing Big Mouth and hilarious/ cripplingly depressing Bojack Horseman were among the top animated picks of the year. As Queer Eye stole our hearts and The Americans kept us on the edge of our seats, there is one show that stands above them all. Yes, there must be a winner, which is unfair since there is so much more to watch. Even binging through Brooklyn Nine-Nine requires an incredible amount of time and effort. Worth it.

Why did it take me so long to watch the whole thing?!

Strong competition, but The Good Place wins. Netflix's incredibly funny yet thought provoking tale of the afterlife is midway through its third season and it is showing no signs of letting up. With a cast that contains Kristen Bell, Ted Danson and Jameela Jamil, it's hard to not enjoy watching this group of misfits traverse the plains of what lies beyond this mortal world. What seems so strange is how bright and colourful the setting of the show is, even though the topic of death and morality is a heavy one. The humour is charming and flows naturally between a cast that have blended well to deliver a programme that is now gaining recognition. 2019 can't come soon enough to see what other twists and turns The Good Place has in store for us.

Don't look so surprised, you've earned it!

THE 'IT'S WORTH GOING TO THE CINEMA FOR' AWARD FOR FILM OF THE YEAR

Amazingly enough, cinemas are still a thing in the 21st century. Much like online shopping draining high street business, could online streaming lead to the fall of the picture house? Hope not; having an Odeon in Guildford is handy for social occasions, especially when there's a Costa on site to stave off fatigue (the struggle of being 23). Where we watch movies may vary, but at least we can agree that movies this year have been above average. Rami Malek rocked our worlds as Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody, with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga combining in a remake of A Star Is Born that surprised many of us. When we eventually emerged from behind the seats after the horrifying A Quiet Place, we could all settle down for some animated delight on part of Coco or The Incredibles II. Superheroes dominated this year of cinema with the heart-wrenching Avengers: Infinity War and the triumphant return of Deadpool for his own sequel. Flooding the market worked, since one of these films emerges as our victor.

Love you too

Black Panther wins. It's good, no one can deny it. OK, that's a gross underestimation- it's really bloody good. Chadwick Boseman entered our lives as T'Challa in Captain America: Civil War, and you know you've done well when you get your own Marvel movie. Michael B. Jordan, however, rules the screen as 'Killmonger' in a performance that rights the wrongs of under par villains with his morally motivated scheme. The music, costumes, overall plot; it's all so perfect! It's cultural impact is clear for the world to see, with sport stars crossing their arms in allegiance to Wakanda or donning a Black Panther mask in the middle of an NBA dunking competition. But no matter how much of a badass king he is though, Captain America is still the best. Don't bother debating.

*swoon*

THE 'TAKING WAY TOO MANY DAYS OFF WORK' AWARD FOR VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR

Bored of TV and cinema? Well, fire up the games console and sit back to indulge in some home entertainment. Thankfully, there' no room for Fortnite here as there is no way in hell that a game like this can be deemed to be the best game of the year. Assassin's Creed: Odyssey took us to Greece in the latest venture into the ancient world, but Marvel's Spiderman meant the less adventurous gamers could stick to New York and swing around the city like a maniac. Forza Horizon 4 proved that racing games are still a thing in a world dominated by big hitters like Monster Hunter: World or the surprisingly good A Way Out. There were only two competitors in this category, and sadly God of War must be second. The wrath of Kratos and his plucky son Atreus is now likely to descend upon Christmas Cottage, but surely they can appreciate the winner of this award?

'Look Atreus, everything the light touches is our kingdom'

Red Dead Redemption 2 takes home the trophy, and my God it deserves it. When Rockstar announced a return to the plains of the west, fans lost their minds and the internet exploded in a flurry of excitement. The hype, much to the relief of millions, was worth it. Another beautiful open world is there for players to indulge in, riding around protecting the innocent or letting their inner demons rule their actions. Protagonist Arthur Morgan's grizzly demeanour was captivating as he acted like the aged cop slowly making his way towards retirement, with the return of characters like John Marston and Dutch van der Linde exciting fans further. It's a clear challenge to Bethesda as they work on the latest Elder Scrolls game, who now have to outdo Rockstar after the success of both Grand Theft Auto: V and this epic story of outlaws. Still need to finish the story though... meh, that can wait. Those legendary fish aren't going to catch themselves.

Social life destroyed; totally worth it

THE 'HEROES OF OUR TIME' AWARD FOR TEAM OF THE YEAR

We are done with entertainment so let's move on to sport. 2018 was fantastic as we were treated to great spectacles of athleticism. Russia hosted one of the greatest World Cups ever in a year that included a Winter Olympics, Commonwealth Games and even an Ashes series (we won't mention that though). Geraint Thomas won the Tour de France and Lewis Hamilton stormed to another Formula 1 world title. There's too much to mention! So we will just narrow it down to the team of the year, which is super tough. The Philadelphia Eagles won their first ever Super Bowl and Manchester City broke multiple records on their way to another Premier League title. Europe dominated the Ryder Cup and the French dazzled us all as they were declared champions of the footballing world. But it's a team that won our hearts rather than silverware that takes home this award.

Revolutionary 

Tottenham Hotspur... just joking! The English football team were the real winners of the year as nobody expected them to actually get to the last four of the World Cup. A renaissance under Gareth Southgate has yielded remarkable results that has seen a team that were awful in the last few major tournaments to one that is now seen as a dark horse to compete against the big boys. It united the country in the middle of a political crisis and major heatwave, as we all set aside our differences to watch 11 Englishmen kick a ball around. Harry Kane won the Golden Boot and has captained England during this surge forward, with Jordan Pickford emerging as a world-class goalkeeper and Harry Maguire being a rock at the back. Raheem Sterling is beginning to mature alongside Jesse Lingard, Marcus Rashford and Dele Alli. England compete in the UEFA Nations League finals next year and will want to bring football home. Fire up the memes!

Never forget

THE 'DUDE, SERIOUSLY?' AWARD FOR FACEPALM MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Done with the fun ones for now; time to focus on the wider world, in particular on the moments that made us all roll our eyes and think 'Man, what the hell was this guy thinking?' It seems to be a never-ending list due to the dumb tweets, moronic political decisions and other general failings of our species. Would it be too obvious to give it to Donald Trump, since every day brings about a groan of annoyance from the global population? It would, so let's leave Donald on the side for now. Besides, Donald can't have all the glory for himself, as there are plenty of others out there who have let down the human race. Mark Zuckerberg let everyone's Facebook data leak all over the place, and not even Elon Musk's submarine could help with that mess. The 'facepalm' moment of 2018 is a broad one, as it refers to a demographic that continuously disappoint us with their antics. No, it isn't the British government.

He can't compute the emotion of 'I fucked up'

The youth of today are, in the nicest way possible, complete idiots. Generation Z have had their brains turned to mush as they surround themselves with technology and presume themselves to be the entitled generation. As they vote for Fortnite to be their game of the year, they snack on their tide pods and cause 'beef' on Twitter with a stranger thousands of miles away for the rush of 'top banter'. Every generation always judges the one below it, but for some reason it's unanimous to declare the latest batch of young people to be the dumbest. The amount of times they've fucked up makes one wonder if it's worth saving the planet if it averts the risk of Gen Z having kids and teaching them why the likes of DJ Khaled and Cardi B are way better than Queen or The Who. Everybody ready for a synchronised facepalm?

There it is

THE 'I'M A DICKHEAD' AWARD FOR DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR

Don't worry, Gen Z can't win in this category as that would be unfair and they would either demand their parents to pay for a lawsuit or will write some really 'progressive' piece of slam poetry. 12 months gives plenty of candidates to choose from, no matter their profession. Neymar flipped flopped all over Russia as he over-exaggerated every single challenge he was subject to, but at least he didn't go to Japan like Logan Paul and find time to film a dead body (yeh, we all know he's an arsehole). Thanos also gets a mention due to the ending of Avengers: Infinity War, although when you consider his motives it actually balances it all out. Donald Trump SHOULD get the award for every faux pas committed this year, including:

• Telling the United Nations that the United States is doing better than ever under his leadership
• Continuing to nothing about gun violence in the USA
• Denying global warming

He gets a lifetime achievement award for his stupidity, so congrats to the Donald! The winner is one who has fallen from grace in a way reminiscent of Icarus flying too close to the sun.

'Donald, for the last time, I'm not giving you advice on how to build a wall'

Elon Musk was on top of the world. He was a rags to riches story that gave hope to many who were determined to make a name for themselves. Elon was going to take us all to Mars and help the environment out with his Tesla cars. We had a saviour and then he bottled it. Was the launching of a car into space an early warning sign of what was to come from this innovative billionaire? Well, if it was, we were too busy distracted by whether this was awesome/ bizarre, but that became irrelevant as Musk drove Tesla to the brink of bankruptcy. His business brain appeared to be riding shotgun in the space Tesla, as had his normal brain once he vowed to save the trapped Thai boys with his personal submarine. When rebuffed, Elon called one of the rescue divers an advocate of child abuse and was found guilty of libel. That suave man who stole our hearts had become a twat who had lost control of it all. Oh Elon, you were one of the good guys.

The 'I fucked up' look

THE 'WARM AND FUZZY' AWARD FOR FEELGOOD MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Let's distance ourselves from the more depressing and frustrating side of 2018 and talk about those moments that brought a little bit of sunshine into our lives. Everyone's favourite royal bachelor Prince Harry tied the knot with American actress Meghan Markle, which could actually be classed as a tragedy for many as he's no longer available. The Trump administration went from crisis to crisis as associates began to turn on POTUS while others spoke up against the private side of politics and the abuse that some women had suffered. Entertainment kept us all moderately sane and sport was as exciting as ever. But surely we can all agree that one moment stands out as the champion of the 'warm and fuzzy' events of 2018?

My heart

Tham Luang Nang Non cave became the centre of the world's attention in June and July as 13 people (12 youth footballers and their assistant coach) were found to be trapped in there after continuous rainfall cut them off from civilisation. Professional divers, local emergency services and government agencies came together in order to save the entrapped group in a race against time due to the ongoing monsoon season threatening to flood the cave completely. Across June and July, everyone watched with belated breath as a carefully planned rescue operation was crested and then enacted out perfectly to bring everyone home safely. In what seemed like a hopeless situation, the Wild Boars emerged from their temporary prison with their loved ones and the world ready to give them a warm embrace. Seeing the world come together to help is uplifting in a time where everyone seems to fall out over the smallest argument. Not even Elon Musk and his submarine/ slander could ruin this moment.

British divers, such as John Volanthen, have been named in the New Year Honours List

THE 'GREATEST AMONG US ALL' AWARD FOR PERSON OF THE YEAR

All these heart-warming moments means that there must at least be one decent person among us. Oprah Winfrey, when she's not chilling with Mr Cumberbatch at this magnificent awards ceremony, is making powerful and inspirational speeches at the Golden Globes and getting everyone excited about a possible Presidential run in 2020. South Korean President Moon Jae-in met with his North Korean opposite Kim Jong Un to stabilise relations between the eternal rivals and move on to a new period of peace. Barack Obama is as relevant as ever after his Presidential stint ended in 2016, reminding everyone how down to earth and humble he is as he spreads joy across the country and takes to Twitter to sassily undermines the current administration. Robert Mueller is also doing his best to take down Donald 'I'm not backed by Putin' Trump as part of a private investigation, but it's another rebellious figure that is the 'Greatest Among Us All'.

Thinking hard or constipated? 

It's 9 July, and Donald Trump has nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. The decision is met with anger, with one voice more prominent than all others combined. Step forward Christine Blasey Ford, a professor of clinical psychology at Palo Alto University, who contacted The Washington Post and California congresswoman Anna Eshoo about Kavanaugh sexually assaulting her in the 1980s. While both were attending high school in Bethesda, Kavanaugh and another classmate 'corralled' her at a party and proceeded to force themselves upon Ford. She feared for her life and, when repeating her story, was terrified about her identity as an accuser becoming public knowledge. Ford went public on 16 September and spoke in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee a few weeks later, yet the allegations didn't stop Kavanaugh ascending to the Supreme Court. This may be deemed a total failure, but it's the wider impact Ford had that makes her an inspiration.

When Ford stepped forward, she was met with a tidal wave of both support and abuse. Her bravery in coming forward to testify about her harassment gave others the confidence to come forward with their own stories. Others were not as understanding and sent Ford death threats that forced her to move out of her home four times and hire private security. To make matters worse, Ford hasn't been able to resume her teaching career and still receives threats even after Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in. Christine Blasey Ford took a risk in order to see justice prevail, and in turn has had her life destroyed in a brutal manner. But her testimony gave others the power to stand up for themselves, leading to #WhyIDidntReport to sweep across the internet after Trump became involved in the whole ordeal. FBI investigations may not have stopped Trump's nominee, but Ford's testimony showed the world that wealth and power could not be used to silence the abused. The game had changed.

God bless you

The esteemed guests make their way to the exits for the after party in Justin Trudeau's zeppelin. A lonely janitor sweeps the floor in preparation for the Illuminati meeting being held in the same venue the following evening, while the curator of 'Absolute Shambles' sits on the stage. He is weary after a year full of highs and lows, but is happy to have organised this ceremony commemorating 2018, who had moved passed his earlier blunders and managed to snag himself an invite to Trudeau's party. The humble blogger swings his jacket over his shoulder and makes for the door. 2019 lies in wait, ready to make or break the spirits of the billions of humans that populate this planet. Strap in, it's gonna be one hell of a year.

David's ready

Ben G 😁 xo