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Baking: The Pastime of Champions

I'm back. I was tired last week and couldn't be bothered to write. I'm only human after all, as the Rag'n'Bone Man that all the kids like nowadays says. But the events of this week has given me the spirit to write! I can hear all three of the regular readers out there cry in joy and relief. Keep it down please, I have rambling to do.

Lately, whenever I wander through the ever growing field that is social media, I am greeted by the sight of a heavily tattooed Irishman squaring up to a Ben sized black man who likes to throw money around. The titanic bout that is Conor McGregor vs Floyd Mayweather Jr. is only a month away, and even though it's a stunt to fill their coffers, these two combat sport champions are (hopefully) going to engage in one hell of a fight.

But it got me thinking. Actually my first thought was how awesome it would be to train like a UFC fighter or a boxer because they are shredded as fuck. That's a plan for another day though. No, the thought that crossed my mind was whether or not Mayweather would fight McGregor in a UFC match if McGregor beat him at boxing. Would there be an ultimate third round to decide the master of all fighting? And what would it even be?

Well how about this... they should do a bake off.

Baking champion in the making
Now here me out. Imagine these two champions of their sports going toe to toe in a big tent set up at Welford Park. There would be no time for claims about being 'half black from the waist down' or that you're the IRS and you're going to tax some ass. The stress of getting rid of the flour streaks when folding in the mixture is enough to take your mind away from petty squabbles. Trust me, the struggle is real.

Glory is hard earned
I doubt Conor and Floyd would want to engage in such an event, but imagine the publicity it would get. The puns they could come up with in their press conferences as well- it's perfect! Get Mel and Sue from Bake Off to write speeches for them. TV at its finest.

On a more personal note, I'm going to openly admit my love for baking. Watching the Great British Bake Off really got me excited about dabbling in baking, and Mum was happy to oblige. Always nice to spend time with family, especially when delicious treats are on the horizon.

Good looking Christmas creations
I swell with pride when I see my efforts emerge from the oven, filling the house with the homely smell of freshly baked goods. Sometimes they come out looking perfect, sometimes it's a little bit... well... rubbish. I suck at making Battenbergs; seriously, how can you make it come out bright pink, even when using the whitest of caster sugar?!

Hooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?!
But even the best of my efforts have been publicly snubbed. For the last three years I have done battle with the fellow bakers of the Bourne in the Victoria Sandwich class at the Bourne Show, and I haven't made it into the top three yet. I feel so empty inside as I see no card next to my name, while a sugar covered (and definitely more than three egg mixture) monstrosity falsely parades around as the champion. It sickens me.

Another year, another clear attack by the Women's Institute
I can moan and feel sorry for myself, but at the end of the day it's all about the taking part. Besides, the best feeling is sharing your creation with friends and family and, although the compliments may be a straight up lie, praise is praise. The favouritism of the Women's Institute and their questionable judging can't kill my spirit.

My brownies are world famous, I believe
Perhaps 2018 shall bring about a change in fortune. Could there be an incredible victory, which would lead to the biggest party that Lower Bourne has ever seen? Only time will tell. But I will tell you this. 'There is a specter haunting Europe, the specter of a young socialist baker'. Oppression, especially when eternal baking glory is at stake, cannot last.

This is what Karl Marx had in mind
Ben G xo 😁


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