Bring me coffee or so help me God

18 March 2018 will be the date that I turn 23. Sadly, this does not give the population an excuse to skip work for a day, especially as it will be a Sunday, but feel free to celebrate in your own way. Now, I could easily dedicate this post to my slow march towards the realm of the 30s, middle age and eventual senior citizen status, but I have done reminiscing before on this blog and I don't want to dwell on growing up. Rather, let's talk about how we cope with our hectic adult lives by vast consumption of the glorious nectar that is coffee.

It comes as no great surprise that, as adults, tiredness is now very much a normality. Working a 9-5 job (not me though- thanks Surrey Police) certainly wears people down, and by throwing in the challenges of maintaining our health, paying rent and finding a member of the human race who can tolerate you doesn't help either. The local coffee establishment is a shining beacon, and there must have been times when you cry in delight and hug the person who just asked you if you would like a fresh cup of coffee as they've just boiled the kettle. Modern day heroes.

My mouth is already watering

Even though my working life has come to an abrupt halt, I still enjoy knocking back the caffeine. Indeed, I usually traverse into town on Sunday mornings and end my adventure with a large skinny latte from Costa, as they are the superior coffee chain. I mean, at least they never charged rescue services full price for water in the middle of the September 11th terrorist attacks... good job Starbucks. Anyway, I see it as my little reward for surviving yet another week in the scary world that is 21st century Britain. It was during a recent excursion, however, that I actually got the idea for writing this post in the first place.

Sundays in my local Costa tend to be hectic. Staff are swept off their feet as Sunday shoppers fill the store, looking blankly at the board and wondering if they should have caramel syrup with their coffee. Kids scream as their mothers tell them sternly that they can't have a muffin (good to see that some things never change) and they look at their fellow patrons with a look of apology as little Jimmy raises his voice to a pitch that begins to make the windows break. Of course, you will get the consumer who is shocked that other people want a coffee, and find themselves at the back of a queue that stretches all the way around the counter.

In one of my latest visits, an older lady entered the shop and joined the queue (as any respecting Brit would do). I was waiting on the side for my order to be filled, and I couldn't help but silently judge her as she continuously rolled her eyes and tutted loudly as the staff fumbled around with the swarm of customers. One foot was tapping impatiently and her gaze turned to dagger-like proportions as yet another order was wrong, to which she announced of the unprofessional nature of the whole thing. It was certainly a shambles (an absolute shambles, if I do say so myself) but it got me thinking.

First of all, that lady was not making any friends. Not only did she break the unspoken rule of not speaking to strangers in a queue, but she also criticised those who were clearly overworked and doing their best to maintain order. There does tend to be a shortage of staff on a Sunday, and I feel sorry for them as they rush about clearing tables, taking orders and then traversing the seemingly complicated coffee machine. I could spend my time analysing why this woman acted this way (which would be difficult since I have no qualifications to be a professional psychologist) but instead I shall focus on the first thought that crossed my mind; 'Damn, that woman really wants her coffee'. So this week is all about our love for coffee, and why we find it so damn necessary.

So... pretty...

For all you regulars, I'm sure you've come to expect plenty of historical context in my ramblings, so here is your dose. Our story begins with the legend of Kaldi, an Ethiopian goat herder, who in the 9th century discovered that his goats became restless after consuming the 'berries' of a particular plant. He reported his findings to the local abbot, who made a drink from these new 'berries' and found himself at an elevated state of alertness. Word then spread across to the Arabian Peninsula, where it began to be traded on a more global scale. Evidence points towards coffee trees being grown in Yemen's Sufi (a denomination of Islam) monasteries in the 15th century, as it would help them stay awake for nighttime religious practices. By the 16th century, coffee was known throughout the wider region in places such as Egypt, Persia (modern day Iran) and Turkey. A century later, Europe had become alert to the presence of the mighty coffee bean.

Europeans who travelled to these regions reported back to their fellow countrymen of a magic bean that could keep them awake at night and allow them to work on that thesis that was due in the next morning. Although some initially saw the drink as some sort of spawn of Satan, it was given papal approval by Pope Clement VIII- if God's Earthly representative was cool with it, then everyone should be too! As European empires began to expand, trade became more frequent, as Middle Eastern merchants profited from a greater European demand for coffee. Indeed, the Dutch East India Company began growing their own coffee in Ceylon (modern day Sri Lanka) and on the Indonesian island of Java, which is why 'Java' has become a synonym for coffee. Fun fact of the day.

No, I'm not talking about the computer programme

Much like in the Middle East, coffee houses began popping up and becoming places for intellectuals to lock horns over the pressing topics of the day, such as whether ruffs were cool or not. Coffee was overtaking other beverages as the most popular breakfast drink, due to its energising properties. Yet in North America, tea still reigned supreme... until 1773, when King George III of Great Britain imposed a tea tax on the American colonists. This brought about the Boston Tea Party, as patriots dumped a tea shipment into the Atlantic. Not only was this a precursor to the American Revolution a few years later, but now Americans favoured coffee over tea in order to show their defiance to this new tax. Global demand was surging, so new plantations appeared all across the globe to fuel the rising need for coffee. It was in Martinique, a French island in the Caribbean, that a coffee seedling (which had been taken from the Royal Botanical Garden in Paris) was planted through the efforts of Gabriel de Clieu. It thrived in the climate, and soon coffee trees were being grown across the rest of the Americas, particularly in Brazil. Coffee was now truly a global phenomenon.

The unsung hero of the coffee craving masses

From this quick blast through coffee history, the main trend is that demand just kept on growing. Economics is based around the principle of supply and demand, so the rise of plantations across the globe was a practical solution to satisfy the needs of the intellectuals desperate for their caffeine fix. My interpretation from all of this is that time became more of a valuable commodity, and that trend has continued to this very day. Maximising efficiency was integral to the continuous development of society, and coffee's natural stimulating abilities made it greatly sought after. As I've mentioned numerous times before, our time is precious to us, meaning that any method of staying awake and making us productive should be used.

The main question circulating around coffee nowadays is not how to maintain a global demand, but rather the impact it has on our health. Caffeine is the main ingredient in coffee, and that acts as a natural stimulant (hence why those goats were all hyper at night). It fires up the central nervous system, making us all feel alert and fending off tiredness. Numerous health studies have concluded on how drinking coffee can lead to a decreased risk of both suicide and cancer, so clearly coffee seems to be some sort of miracle bean.

Then again, there are some drawbacks. Caffeine is defined as a drug due to its effect on the central nervous system, so there is a risk of addiction and withdrawal symptoms. It's also a diuretic, meaning that it makes you pee more often, which is quite irritating considering we had a cup of coffee in order to make us more productive, so frequent bathroom trips really breaks the working flow. A large daily intake can cause insomnia, fast heartbeats and even osteoporosis (bone thinning) as caffeine can interrupt the bodily process of metabolising calcium. Studies have also warned of limiting coffee intake during pregnancy, as it can lead to an increased chance of miscarriages, which again seems ironic since pregnant ladies would be up for most of the night vomiting. Men of the world, we really have it way too good.

Rejoice, Mr Conte

While continuing on the healthy trend, we now appear to be obsessed with how to truly maximise the benefits of our coffee. Simply taking it without sugar used to be the healthiest way to have our coffee, but now adding cinnamon, cocoa and various milk variants like almond and coconut are the 'hip' ways to do it. I mean, I'm sure everyone is fully aware of the health benefits of trying almond milk in coffee rather than your normal run of the mill milk, and aren't just following the latest celebrity trends. Yep, I'm very confident that you aren't just doing it to use '#health #almond #NewMe' in your latest Instagram post and cry out for attention on being healthy. Just because Kim does it doesn't mean you have to. Be an individual, dammit!

She must be something right though...

Coffee has certainly become a necessity when trying to keep pace with the struggles of modern life. Time appears to evaporate all around us, and to find more of it is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands (that's a reference- if you know, you know). The natural stimulant that is coffee (or caffeine, as a matter of fact), boosts our productivity and seemingly makes us feel as if any task can be completed. Much like a sugar crash, we eventually shake off the high of a boosted central nervous system and return to crawl speed. As it is a drug, and we know the power it has over us, it is not a total shock to see people become obsessed with the stuff and allow their lives to be controlled by the magic berry that Kaldi the goat farmer came across all those years ago.

Let's quickly bring everything together, as there has been a lot of information to take in, and that may have made you make yourself a fresh cup of coffee. First of all, detailing the history shows how people first got the idea that consuming coffee helped to increase their efficiency, whether it was to help with religious practices or just to work harder. Factors such as the rise of global trade allowed plantations to spring up, going hand in hand with the surge in demand from the population. Taxing tea in the American colonies, for example, only kept the demand growing, which has continued to grow ever since. Mass consumption has put it in the spotlight over whether it's good/bad for us, leading to questions over if it's better to use a milk substitute or which method of preparing the bean is the healthiest.

Our modern day obsession with health has now combined itself with coffee, although it feels that every single piece of food on the planet is constantly undergoing studies to determine the health benefits/limitations. With social media playing a large role in our lives as well, we like to proudly announce that we have left the comfort of our own homes and are catching up with latest gossip from our 'number one bitch'. Coffee houses used to be places of intellectual discussion and debate, but above all they were establishments that boosted social activity. Their function has not wholly changed to this day, but I'm sure the intellectuals of old would rather discuss the best way to govern a country than whether Hubert may or may not be cheating with that slut Jennifer. I'm watching you Hubert...

How would Immanuel Kant have taken his coffee?

Personally, I don't think I have an addiction to coffee. I certainly enjoy having a cup when walking around doing errands, or making myself a fresh one if I'm writing one of the posts or just watching the latest game of sportball. Yet I know that too much will cause havoc on my urinating patterns and consuming vast quantities will make me grumpy and most likely violent. I guess the moral is that coffee is a major component of our lives, and we have to keep it under control. This isn't a call to limit coffee consumption, but it might be worth getting our natural stimulants from elsewhere. Although even more studies have been published detailing that the effects of caffeine vary from person to person, so consumption may not even be a factor when all is said and done. Dammit science, make up your mind!

Coffee consumption has certainly caught the eye of the government as well, with talk over the possibility of charging consumers a small fee for using plastic cups circulating. Starbucks recently began trialing it in some of their London stores, and I'm sure it will spread right across the nation. Much like the plastic bag charge, the main purpose is to cut down plastic consumption and make people more aware of their environmental impact. Again, this isn't a plea to cut down on your trips to Starbucks in order to save the planet, but I think it's worth mentioning that we should make an effort to recycle our cups. It won't kill us... well, I hope it doesn't. For that older woman I mentioned before, this might be the thing that sends her over the edge- I doubt a coffee could save her then.

Don't do drugs kids- recycle instead!

Ben G 😁 xo

P.S. Can't believe I will be 23 soon... think I need a stiff drink

That's right young Ben, it might be a very messy Saturday